Get Me to the Church on Time . . . or, There Are No Accurate Maps of Morgantown

There really are no accurate maps of Morgantown. Not one. Not any. We learned that 20+ years ago when we moved here, and, even with the internet, the situation hasn't improved.

Which isn't to say you won't be able to get around, because we're sort of pinned in by the Cheat River and the Monongahela River and the Mason-Dixon line. But getting from here to there could be . . . well, interesting. If you finally give up and ask directions, a local will start by asking, "Do you know where this is?" And you'll say, "No, I've never been here before." And they'll ask, "Well, do you know where that is?" And you'll repeat, "No, I've never been here before." And then they'll ask, "Do you know where this used to be?" And you'll wonder if everyone in this state is deaf, or if they just can't believe you've never had the pleasure of visiting West By God Virginia.

We speak like this because street signs are nearly worthless in a town where the roads follow hills and ridges and hollows and streams. They merge, then split off. They change names three times in a mile. They disappear only to reappear a mile down the road. So let's start with maps, or rather links to maps.

The wedding will be a St. John's, 1481 University Avenue, in Morgantown. This is the Google map of the location, and this is the Mapquest map. Waterfront Place Hotel, where we're having the dessert social on Friday evening, is at Two Waterfront Place, in Morgantown. This is the Google map for that, and this is the Mapquest map.

Now comes the fun part. Don't ask either Google or Mapquest how to get from the hotel to the church, because they will both direct you the wrong way down a one-way street. See? No accurate maps of Morgantown.

In this post I'll give you two sets of directions. First, how to get to Waterfront Place Hotel coming from I-79:

1. Whether going north or south on I-79, take exit 152 and head east, toward Morgantown.
2. Follow that road (Holland Avenue or 19) for a couple of miles as it winds through the town of Westover and finally crosses the Monongahela River into Morgantown.
3. At the light at the end of the bridge, turn right onto Don Knotts Boulevard (also called South University Avenue or 119).
4. Take Don Knotts Boulevard for about a half mile, until you see Waterfront Place Hotel on the right.

Now, how to get from Waterfront Place Hotel to St. John's without going the wrong way down a one-way street:

1. As you leave Waterfront Place, turn left onto Don Knotts Boulevard.
2. Follow Don Knotts for almost a mile, through several lights and our little downtown, until it bears to the left. Don't worry if you look up at a street sign and see that Don Knotts has turned into University Avenue or Monongahela Boulevard. It does that.
3. Just after the road bears to the left, turn right into a parking lot behind the church. Right now the parking lot is mostly gravel. It may be paved by May 10th, but don't count on it. We're not uppity about our parking lots in this neck of the woods.

Enough for now. I'm afraid if I don't hush I'll scare away all you flatlanders.